It’s nice to be acknowledged. It feels good to be recognized.
On the contrary, it’s distressing to feel forgotten. It is even worse to feel like your child has been overlooked.
The need for acknowledgment and recognition is very real. To know you’ve contributed something of value and then not be acknowledged for it leaves us frustrated. I can still hear my own despairing voice in my head from times gone past, “I’m feeling completely unappreciated right now.”
Recently, I spoke to a father about his 10-year-old son and how his soccer season was going. The father told me that his son was doing well and enjoyed playing for the team he’s on. He told me about the last game and how his son scored two goals and added two assists in the team’s 4-0 win. The father was very proud of his son’s achievements that week but he was extremely agitated about something else. His son didn’t receive any 3-2-1 points from the coach as an acknowledgement for his contribution to the win.
I listened to him as he explained in detail his son’s performance in that game and how he deserved the highest award of three points, but his kid didn’t even get one. The father was baffled with the whole point scoring system, and his frustration had boiled over to the point of arguing the coach’s approach.
The coach had apparently created the 3-2-1 point system to applaud role players on the team. Defensemen and rotational bench players who don’t get the glory of scoring. The father, however, couldn’t see the fairness in that and the message. He wanted his son to be recognized for his accomplishments, and told me that he felt there was no choice but to say something.
I responded, “Please tell me you didn’t text or email the coach…”
“No, I didn’t,” he sheepishly responded, “but I typed a few out, and I still want to press send.”
“You’re telling me the truth, you didn’t send anything?”
“I’m ready to, but I’m holding back.”
“Have you spoken about this with any other parent in the team?”
“Only you, right now,” he said, “I told my wife and she just said I’m crazy and I need to calm down.”
“But you’re not calm yet?”
“I can’t let it go. It makes a mockery of the 3-2-1 system; and every other parent could see my son deserved the points.”
“So, the coach has no idea what you’re thinking?” I had to ask again—just in case.
The father reiterated with me what the coach was looking for and why he allocates the points to different positions. He started to see reason in what the coach was trying to do, and I further explained the fairness in what the coach of a 10-year-old soccer team was trying to do.
Eventually, the father came to his senses and realized, “Dad, It doesn’t matter!” His son couldn’t care less about the 3-2-1 system, and just wanted to play with his friends.
I told him that if he’d said or written anything to the coach it could create a divide between him and the coach for the rest of the season. There is no escaping that.
I further asked him if his son was one of the better players in the team. He said he was. And if I were to ask other parents in the team, would they rate your son as one of the main players. He humbly said yes. Therefore, you know he’s important to the team, and the coach and the parents know he’s important to the team. Your son loves playing with his mates, and couldn’t care less about earning 3-2-1, is there really any problem here?
His next words were full of surrender and humility: “I’m glad we spoke before I blew it big time.”
Meanwhile, back to the action…
After I hung up on this troubled (but now freed Dad), I spoke about the whole 3-2-1-recognition thing to a former rugby coach. He explained how coaches often struggle to treat all of their players fairly. They are constantly looking for reasons and other things happening in the game to applaud. Things that will rarely ever be noticed by a parent who is fixated on their own child’s success.
He also said that it’s imperative for the coach to not only acknowledge the importance of all the positions, but to reward the important role that those positions play in the game.
A good coach will recognize and acknowledge quality players in their team. Moreover, they’ll recognize the little things a young athlete does that most won’t see.
Examples of little things that most don’t see:
- he listened more attentively this week
- she put into practice what she learned at training
- he picked himself up quickly after making a mistake instead of sulking about it
- she encouraged her teammates consistently keeping everyone’s spirits high
It’s important for us to see the little things that matter in our children and acknowledge those attributes. A child who knows that their parents appreciate their strengths will grow into a strong, secure and successful human being.
There’ll be many good things we see in our kids as they grow. Things that we want everyone to see, but unfortunately will go unnoticed. It is good to be passionate about our children, but we need to save our battles for the things that really matter. It will always be better to support your athlete at home, rather than doing it by demanding more appreciation from a coach.
Read Part 2 in this series Dad! It Doesn’t Matter: Who Ya Gonna Call?
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One Response
As a coach and educator this resonates with me. Also written in an organized and comprehensive manner. Its important to recognize each child and build on individual strengths.I have found that often this works better than trying to get success in every area.
Thanks for the post.